Not All Drugs Are Bad
It’s been 11 months and a day since I last wrote a blog entry.
So much has happened/changed.
Part of me cringes rereading my old posts. I’ve grown since then. Thankfully!
In August of 2019, on Navy’s 5th birthday, I went to a psychiatrist. I told her how much I was struggling, and that my holistic approach of taking deep breaths was not (like really, really not) working. And so she wrote me a prescription. And it helped me release the chip that was on my shoulder. I have pretty severe anxiety and I’m OCD - so all that paired with Navy’s autism made for a pretty earth shattering reality. For both of us. I have no doubt that I was overly sensitive to her struggles because I wasn’t properly dealing with my own.
I’m medicated now, and not ashamed because - I feel a lot better. If I’m being honest, for a long while I felt like Navy’s autism was happening TO me. It wasn’t. It isn’t. She is a bright little creature and our brains are wired differently. Our one and only struggle is bridging the gap between what feels comfortable to her to what feels comfortable to me. That bridge depends on this Mama’s patience - patience that wan’t possible pre-Prozac, ya know?
In addition to taking care of myself, this last year had me pouring a lot of effort into my artwork. I amassed what felt like a sizable following (4K) on my art Instagram account. (Though it’s kind of a bummer how quickly I became greedy for more. Just keeping it real) I fell in love with the enneagram and it rocked my entire life perspective. It’s also what gained me my following ... which meant that I found myself feeling trapped by the expectation to draw all things enneagram. Thankfully my friend Cassie reads self-help-books and was able to boil down a concept for me. “Chase success, and be open to the idea that it might come down a different avenue than you expected.” If the enneagram was generating a following, and that following generates opportunities for my poetry to get read - then it’s a good thing. It sounds really simple, but it was the single best advice I was given in 2019 and it literally set my heart free. I now try to keep my artwork a ratio that represents the enneagram, my poetry, and whatever the hell I so desire to doodle on up. I’m in a good head space for it.
My children are still wild and feral, I still sometimes barely function, and my temper is forever something I will be working on controlling. I didn’t really intend on taking a break from writing, but it happened. I’ve missed it a lot, and have thought many times of picking it back up - no clue what snapped in my brain today that made me buckle down and write. But. Here I am.
In an effort to keep myself in check I am committing to a few “rules”. (Such a Monica Gellar, y’all. Rules control the fun!)
I am not deleting old blog posts. They are sometimes embarrassing to read over, but they’re snapshots of where I was mentally in the moment. There are exceptions to every rule of course, and should I discover that I wrote something wildly offensive, I will remove it. Because, like, know better do better.
I am going to be transparent about my dreams/goals. I believe that I have tucked myself away far too many times, and felt like a nerd for owning what I hope to accomplish. But there’s no shame in my game. I am ambitious and I am finally giving myself permission to go for it.
So, as for the dreams/goals, they are as follows:
in 2020 I would like to get my art page to a 10K following. This allows a ‘swipe up’ option in my stories which means I can link websites to posts. This will be especially important as a function to help me earn doll hairs from the next goal:
I want to design cards. And sell them locally at a sweet boutique. AND on Etsy. So I need to get on that. Like, yesterday.
In September my youngest starts pre-school - she’s already enrolled in her little Montessori program so I can bank on 3 hours/day 4 times/week to WRITE. To freaking chase this ever elusive (only because I’ve made it impossible) goal to PUBLISH. A. BOOK. Preschool will give me the opportunity to establish a schedule to write, with measurable goals (3 poems/week as an example) as well as a timeline of sending off query letters to literary agents. I’m not hoping to finish this book by the end of year, but I’m also out of excuses when I’m kid free - so, this is it!
There are my inner ramblings and updates. I’m a mess, but I sure hope it’s the beautiful kind.
Posey (Taylor)
